Yes, I said it. Spouse resentment. Nobody talks about it, but the more I talk to Moms the more common it feels and if it makes me feel better, I want to make you feel better!
I want to preface this blog by saying in no way am I knocking on my husband, you have all read my blogs on how supportive he's been. However, I don't care if you have the best partner in the world or the worst partner in the world, there's still this underlying resentment that will always be there no matter what. I've even tried explaining it to him, and he gets upset because I think they just don't understand. Maybe this post will help them, but I also hope it helps all of the Mamas who feel this way and hate it, because in the beginning when I started feeling this way it felt AWFUL and I felt super guilty!
Where do I begin? I'm sure you read the super Mom post, how we do it all. Somehow we manage to do it all. This is sort of similar to that in a way... there's just this underlying responsibility and nurturing that comes with being a Mom. Your brain is on 24/7, even if you get an hour of me time here or there. Why? Because you're the Mom, that's just the way it is. It's like this underlying expectation that we're the default parent that is on at all times and if we need to get something else done, or do something else, then we need to figure out something for the baby. It's always on us. We don't get to just do or be anymore, those babies come first. (Before you 'at me', I'm also not saying this in a negative way, I am completely happy that I now have a baby I get to worry about and put first... that doesn't mean it's not hard.)
Let's talk some examples...
• In the very beginning it was - Dad gets to go to work, and gets to go to pickle ball, and gets to have lunches with friends, and do this and that without asking or figuring anything else out he just goes - meanwhile Mom is literally stuck at home unless she finds help.
• Moms entire body changes for 9 months and then again for months after the baby is born; hormones change, your physical appearance changes, your mental capacity changes, you're now feeding someone with your body, it's not yours anymore. Meanwhile Dad just lives his normal life - and yes I understand men go through postpartum as well but it's just not the same.
• Baby won't stop crying? Give her back to Mom, Mom can fix it.
• Mom wants to workout? Better ask Dad to watch her, or time it around her naps and hope she sleeps through it and gives you enough time, or stays content in her chair if she's awake and no one else is around.
• Need the dishes, laundry, or any chores done? You need to time that correctly during nap time too, or ask for help. (Men... how many times do we need to tell you what needs to be done? There's dishes in the sink, wash them. There's laundry piling up? Fold it. It's even more exhausting for us to have to tell you when you ask 'what do you need help with' because I guarantee you there's a million things that could be done - just look around.)
• Dr's appointments? Mom schedules and keeps track of shots and milestones and all of the Dr's instructions too.
• Speaking of schedules - Mom has to make sure to schedule when she can't take or pick up the baby so Dad can, and if nothing works she also handles figuring out that plan. We keep the family schedule together and are constantly navigating it to make sure everyone is where they need to be, dinners are prepped and ready, and so on and so forth.
• Get togethers with friends? Dad just automatically assumes we're going - meanwhile, Mom is figuring out if it's a baby friendly get together - if it is she's figuring out babies schedule to make sure she packs the right things or waits until feeding and nap times. If it's not - she's figuring out if she should stay back or hire a babysitter - cuz Mom's don't just get to go.
• After work gatherings? Forget it. In the rare chance it does work, she's sitting there worried the whole time about if she's had too much to drink, if the baby is being taken care of, what time she should get home, and so on and so forth.
• Traveling? It's not as easy as pre baby like hey let's go do this tomorrow... it's packing and planning - how many days, what's the weather, what does baby need for sleeping, eating, activities, and more. Oh, and pack for yourself quickly hoping you remembered everything. Oh, and the dog - are we boarding him, is someone watching him, is he coming with - better pack him up now too! Men, you're on your own now.
• Shopping? That's funny. Thank goodness for Target drive-up, what a life saver! There's no more, oh I need to run and grab this quick at the drop of a hat. Or I just want to roam Target for fun. You have to plan for trips, and is it a quick drive up trip or do you need to go in? Did you make a list, because you don't know when you'll be back again next! It's seriously so stressful!
• Doing something for yourself? Don't worry, you'll constantly get interrupted just because you're the Mom.
I could list a million other examples, the point is we're just the default parent at all times. That's just the way it is and will always be, because we're the Mom. We don't get to just 'go do' whenever we want to or feel like and that can lead to resentment whether you want it to or not. It's not fair (yes, I know life isn't fair) and for some that struggle is real. It's hard to have that much change, especially for your first because it truly is life changing. Now I know there are some amazing supportive husbands out there - I have told you mine watches her so I can workout, take a bath, or go get my nails done, or whatever else when he knows I'm stressing out and need a me break. That's great - but the underlying resentment comes from the "well I am helping, I watched her so you can go do those things". The men never have to find help, or get help watching the baby, or ask for some me time, because Mom just always does and always will. Again, before you 'at me', I'm not saying this in a negative way or a poor me way or knocking my husband. I'm saying this because it's true and I know there are several others out there who also feel this way and it sucks. You feel guilty for it, and it hurts. So hopefully I have helped normalize this feeling for some of you and maybe even helped the men understand a little bit more if their partners are feeling this.
Pic of the hubby giving B a flower for Valentine's Day because he's a wonderful Father!
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