Maternity Leave is NOT a vacation!

Prior to ever being pregnant or having kids I definitely turned my nose a few times when people would be on leave... 12 weeks, really? Must be nice! They aren't back yet...?! Boy do I feel like an asshole! Even going into planning for maternity leave I thought I'd have time to get projects done around the house, binge some episodes of a few new shows, log in to work for a bit here and there... psh, yeah right! I go back in less than a week! Let's talk about it...

Being the Type A person I am I really thought I'd have all the time in the world to tidy up my house, work on projects, get things done, and binge some shows all while getting all the snuggs in. I made out a list of the projects I wanted to get done, watched others post about binge worthy shows and taking notes, and had plans of checking in on work. I did literally NONE of those things. Oh, and a quick Target run? No such thing anymore, and definitely not when you need/want to - only after planning around naps or feedings or when someone else can watch her. 

First of all, to anyone who has binged shows while on leave - how?! I tried and would literally have to watch, pause, watch, pause, watch, pause, I mean it was ridiculous. It would takes me days to finish a single episode unless it was during one of my 'lock myself in the bathrooms for a bath' nights. Half of the time I literally forgot to even turn the TV on and would realize I've spent the entire day in silence. The other half of the time I put something on just for background noise so I wouldn't go crazy. 

House projects... HAH! That's funny. You barely have time to take care of this new baby, let alone yourself, and keeping up with the bare minimum of house chores to get by every day. Where would you fit in extra time to get projects done? Oh and on ZERO sleep mind you. Just when?! How?! The one project I really wanted to get done was some kitchen organization and I literally just finally got someone hired to come help this week when I go back to work next week!! I'm actually curious when and how I'm going to get the other things done now that I am adding work back into my schedule. I know I'm going to want to spend all my nights and weekends with that sweet thing after missing her during the day all week.

Yeah, ok, but you just sit around on the couch all day and watch your kid? Sounds real hard to me... PSH! Let me tell you what, this shit is for the birds! I give credit to all the stay at home moms and daycare providers because DAMN! When I would look at the clock and realize it's 6pm and I have barely left the couch for the day, I couldn't believe it! I was completely exhausted, didn't know where the day had gone, and on top of that nothing got done! Between the baby crying, eating, changing diapers, playing, and trying to get bottles and laundry done in between all of those things happening... I mean you don't have time to yourself, you don't have time to do the extra things, you're not just "sitting there watching your kid" it's completely exhausting and you're doing it on no sleep. Sure, you get to look down and stare at that sweet smile and take in the snuggles, but that's honestly not the majority of it. Not to mention all the research and things you're looking up about each week that goes by, how much they should be eating, what developmental things they should be working on, what you're going to need for daycare, sleep schedules and wake windows... I mean good grief. 

Oh and the brief moments you aren't doing any of those things, you're literally so overwhelmed and overstimulated you just want to sit in a dark room by yourself. Not being touched. Not being talked to. Not having noise. Not having someone need you. Not feeling like there's something that needs to get done. To just be you. It's literally SO much, constantly, all day long. It's so hard to explain.

Did I mention zero sleep? The first few weeks are literally survival mode. (I posted about sleep deprivation in my postpartum depression blog.) Slowly but surely it gets better and better each day, but I do find myself sitting here wondering how I'm going to be able to go back to work when we still wake up in the middle of the night for feedings and diaper changes. Working Moms, how do you do it?! I'm sure it gets better and you just get used to it and it becomes routine, but man... I will say, the thought of going back to work 4 weeks ago to today has completely changed - she sleeps better, eats better, and we've been out and about more so it does at least seem manageable now where 4 weeks ago I literally couldn't even imagine it. Don't get me wrong, I still feel like I'm going to be losing my mind, running behind, and completely out of my element, but it seems doable and something that will get easier the more we do it just like everything else has. 

How could I forget recovery? I mean you literally just birthed a human, and it sure as shit isn't what it looks like in the movies. I don't think I walked normal for at least a week and a half and I'm not exaggerating. While you're in pain rotating pain meds (that aren't strong because you're also breastfeeding so they need to be safe for baby), trying to figure out all of the things to take care of yourself that you've never used before, are on no sleep (do you see a pattern here lol) and trying to take care of this brand new human that you have no idea how to take care of. It's quite the task. I've read several articles that say a woman doesn't feel herself for up to a year after birth. A YEAR! (Some even say two.) Yet we have to go back to work and regular routine after 12 weeks, some even shorter than that? Both mentally and physically it's HARD. So if you feel this, give yourself grace. I'm trying to remind myself of this, because I was not prepared for my life to literally get flipped around. Yes it's fantastic, yes we are blessed with the most beautiful precious baby, but that doesn't mean getting your life completely shaken isn't hard as heck. It is, I see you, and it's ok!

I've also been a part of some Facebook groups from around the world, and it's amazing how much the US is behind in maternity leave... it's the only country in the world that requires 0 paid maternity leave. (I am lucky enough to work for a company who does include paid benefit time.) Bulgaria is the highest with 58 weeks, UK 52 weeks, Bosnia and Herzegovina 52 weeks, Montenegro 52 weeks, Albania 52 weeks, Ireland 42 weeks, Macedonia 39 weeks, and Norway 35+ weeks. I used to think 12 weeks was so long, but having gone through it I've definitely changed my perspective. 

With that being said I am ready to get back to routine and have some purpose with my career again. I know it's going to be hard to leave her after being with her for 12 weeks. It's going to be hard to figure out what our new routine looks like. It's going to be hard thinking of all the things we didn't get done "while we had the time". It's going to be hard to miss any milestones that happen when I'm not around. It's going to be hard to try to balance work and a new baby. However, I am excited to have my baby girl grow up watching me have a passion for my career and show her that a hard working Mom can also love her baby and show her what hard work and dedication is. I am excited to have her grow and learn in an environment that allows for that along with socialization.

I'll end with this... the emotions are real as maternity leave comes to an end. One moment I'm ready, the next I'm not... I thought about starting an over/under bet on how many times I'd cry my first day back. Before a baby I was a very strong believer in leave your personal shit at home and get your work done at work. I still believe that, but man do I have a different perspective on how hard that's going to be these first few days/weeks as we're adjusting! Knowing I can no longer be the person who just stays late because I want to get more done, or  the one who volunteers to do more because I enjoy it and have nothing better to do. I still want to succeed and stand out in my career, but I definitely have a little one in the back of my mind that's going to be coming first. 

Pic of what both of our faces will look like come Tuesday morning. (Yes, that's a real tear!)