Postpartum Depression

Let's start with some definitions:

1. Postpartum depression is depression suffered by a mother following childbirth, typically arising from the combination of hormonal changes, psychological adjustment to motherhood, and fatigue.

2. Postpartum anxiety is excessive worrying that occurs after having a baby. It can be accompanied by physical symptoms.

3. Postpartum psychosis is a mental illness that can affect you in the first few weeks after giving birth. Your symptoms can appear suddenly, where you lose your 'sense of reality' including hallucinations, delusions, mood swings, and behavior changes.

I remember hearing in passing several people saying, 'man that postpartum depression sucks, it's real'. As someone who has dealt with depression and anxiety in the past this made me worry. I often talked to my husband about it asking him if he'd be able to handle me and help be supportive because I had no idea what was coming or what to be prepared for. (My hubby pre baby, who's a problem solver, thought we could just figure out a plan and that would somehow fix it and make it go away, haha love you hunny!) My hubby post baby... has learned the words self care and is extremely supportive.

I remember getting ready to be discharged from the hospital to go home with our new baby. Our amazing midwife came in and one of the things she went over was postpartum depression. She talked about the baby blues and how it's normal to cry (to which I started crying for no reason and went oh my gosh like this?! what's happening?! what's wrong with me?!) She laughed, and reassured me that if I wasn't crying she'd probably be way more concerned! She told Kyle that the thing to watch for is if I'm really down past a few weeks postpartum. She said that if I started losing interest in showering, caring for my baby, wanting to harm the baby, and things like that that he or I needed to call the office because that's more than just the baby blues.  Again, I just really didn't know what to be prepared for.

When I say those first few weeks are hard, they are HARD. They are next level HARD. Nobody prepares you for the lack of sleep, the questioning yourself as a parent, wondering what you're doing on top of lack of sleep and then trying to heal yourself after a completely life changing event; both physically and mentally. I have never cried so much in my entire life, and I am not one to cry or show emotion so this was really bothering me. I remember a few different things that stood out to me during this time...

I would go rounds with myself; sleep when baby sleeps, bottles need washed, I'm in pain from healing, I need to pump, laundry is piling up, is she ready to feed, sleep when baby sleeps, bottles are almost out again, wait did I take a bath yet, when did I nurse last, how am I supposed to keep doing this with no energy, wait I haven't eaten all day, did I drink enough water, is that a clogged duct that HURTS, I need to drink more to get my supply up, am I eating dairy is she allergic or ok, did I do anything for myself yet today, crap did the groceries get ordered, sleep when baby sleeps. Are you tired yet, because I am!

Kyle and I would take shifts because B didn't want to sleep in her bassinet right away, and the dock a tot isn't safe sleep so we clearly needed to stay up with her. On about day 2 or 3 of this I woke up shaking uncontrollably and freezing (sleep deprivation) along with being completely dizzy and out of it. I remember Kyle looking at me like I've got this, you need to go back to bed. I wasn't even able to walk straight. Nobody talks about that, but it's none of the depression, anxiety or psychosis they talk about.

I also remember when I finally left the house just to go get groceries a few weeks in, and on my drive there realized I hadn't left the house since Wednesday. That's FOUR days that I was just stuck inside doing all the baby things. You can't tell me that doesn't take a toll on you, but when you're in the middle of it you just don't even think about it or realize it's happening or going by that quickly.

That incident leads me to the depression part... I remember I kept telling Kyle it just feels like I'm in this deep black hole I can't get out of. Mind you I was still showering, I was still caring for my baby, I was still happy we had the baby, I still had a joyous outlook on life... but I would literally catch myself at random parts of the day (because you literally have no idea what time of day it is, or what day of the week it is, and I am NOT being dramatic...) crying, and just feeling like I was in that black hole. We tried to keep nap times with natural light, but often found ourselves dimming lights so with it being winter, and low to no lights at all times of the day for days on end... I'm sure you can imagine that deep black hole feeling I was getting. Again, never any thoughts of hurting my baby, myself, or not having interest in doing normal things so I was so confused and just chalked it up to the 'normal' baby blues. 

Now insert people who constantly are asking to see the baby and wanting to do things. You've just had your entire world lifted out from underneath of you. You're healing, you're adapting to your new life, you're still trying to figure out her schedule that's nothing even close to a schedule, you still have no idea what day or time it is, you're exhausted beyond exhausted... but you're supposed to entertain and put on a smile to show off your baby. It is HARD. Then add in the fact your husbands life hasn't changed quite like the way Moms has, so then you feel guilty for not wanting to do things, or watching him go do whatever he wanted. It was a constant internal battle. (The husband, primary parent as the Mom, resentment blog post is yet to come... lol)

Some of the things that did help me kind of keep this at bay; daily baths, daily workouts (once released to do so), a to do list where I could prioritize the things I needed to get done when I did have time to do them, finding an hour to just go to Target or get my nails done or get out and listen to some rap music while driving in my car solo as loud as I wanted, affirmations that remind me I'm doing a good job, and the support from hubby, friends and family along the way! Find things that bring you peace (you can even think of these ahead of time so you're prepared!)

Let's fast forward now to the postpartum anxiety. I struggled with this one the most. The more I talked to other friends who recently had babies, the more I found out how normal it was. I'm naturally an anxious person already, and Type A as well as an enneagram 1... so you can imagine the anxiety I have when it comes to a brand new baby and completely different/new life. Imagine your browser with 500 tabs open; is she hungry, does she have a dirty diaper, am I holding her enough or too much, why won't she stop crying, are the lights too dim for nap time, am I affecting her sleep for months down the road, is she eating enough or too much, should we take her for a Target run or do I need to go by myself, there's a friends get together soon should we dare take her, are we doing enough tummy time, does her tummy hurt, is the detergent I'm using safe, do I need to sterilize bottles or is washing them enough, this bouncer was recalled but others still use it is it ok, is my carseat installed right, gripe water or no gripe water, swaddle or no swaddle during nap time, Baby Breeza lawsuits is ours working properly, is she gaining too much weight or not enough, what do I need to pack in her bag to go out, how long is the bottle good for, when do I freeze my breast milk, should we be crib sleeping yet, is she safe in the bassinet, is the dock a tot ok, should she have blankets or not, is it too cold in our room or too hot, did that person touch her hands or face, did everyone wash their hands, did I wash my hands, what if I'm sick and give her something, is Tucker ok and safe around her, why is she crying again, why can't I console her as her Mom, does she love me and know I'm her Mom, is she hitting her milestones ok and on time, did Dad change the diaper right, ok ok ok I won't go all the way to 500 but you get the hint. I would legit get chest pains and a fast heart beat just thinking about leaving the house and getting everything packed. What if she cries, what if she's hungry and I didn't pack enough, or has a blow out diaper and I'm not prepared! Let me tell you, though, each outing you feel more and more confident. I started small by going to friends houses who also had babies (because of course they get it). I'd be worried because she was fussy all day, so there's no way we could go... it's so much work, and what if she's fussy the entire time, nobody will want us there. Turns out, the change of scenery is usually exactly what she needs. She's been an angel every time we've gone anywhere. It's always such a relief, and makes me question why the heck I always have so much anxiety leading up to it. You feel guilty for not feeling in the moment and then the entire trip feels like a blur because you're constantly worried about how it's going and making sure she's doing ok. Like I said, it gets better and better each time. You get more and more confident. I'm assuming we'll be pros here shortly. 

I really don't know much about the postpartum psychosis, but I know there's a popular case about it right now; just google the Massachusetts woman who is accused of killing her three children. Please be aware of the symptoms and seek treatment immediately, you deserve to get the help you need and not feel bad.

There's my experience with PPD, PPA and PPP. I definitely cried A LOT and questioned myself over and over again. However, I was pretty lucky to never have it get super bad. Hopefully this helps others relate. Reach out and talk to people. It honestly helps to know you're not alone and that several people have gone through these feelings. Know your support system going in to the fourth trimester, let them know about your concerns. Don't ever forget, you are doing AN AMAZING JOB MAMA! Even when it doesn't seem like it, you are the best Mama for your baby and you're doing the best job possible. Don't forget to remind yourself of that.